as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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