I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
