You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
