he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Someone came in the potted fern
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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