i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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