hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
