Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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