so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
