In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
