i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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