my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
