I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
