My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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