I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
