People in love make me want to vomit
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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