i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
