Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
