your thong is hanging out like whoa
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
