I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I got inside last night via doggy door
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
