im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
