I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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