If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
