thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
