Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
