Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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