I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
