Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
