he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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