Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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