you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
