My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
