The maid of honor just puked.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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