And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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