uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
