My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize