Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
