Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
