THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
we should paint friendship bongs
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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