My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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