hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He shit in the fireplace
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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