Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
