Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
