He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
