You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize