If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
God I need to hump something, right now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
