i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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