I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
God, I missed his penis.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
