i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
