dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
