I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
