First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
time to smoke my breakfast
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
