Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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