my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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