That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
