just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
