My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
