If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
