so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
