I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
